i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
