he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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