So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
