I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
