Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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