well I can't set my house on fire every night
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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