I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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