dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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