True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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