Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
