FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
