Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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