Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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