life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
