Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If I die, sorry about rent.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
