I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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