I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
