Moan for me like Helen Keller
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
