The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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