I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize