Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Don't EVER smell your tampon
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
