So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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