Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
