I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
