I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
