Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
