Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
