Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
