I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
