I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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