Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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