So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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