After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
whose parrot is this?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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