Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
