my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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