Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How does one acquire holy water?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
