But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
