You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
