i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
