I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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