Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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