You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
