my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
