I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
