it hurts more in the daytime
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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