Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
