This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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