well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
