The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
