i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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