you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
