I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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