We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
