the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
