The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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