too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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