If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize