Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He kissed a someone with a penis
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
