we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
