i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize