but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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