i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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