The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
