My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
