OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You are the jesus of drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
